Captivated by the Gaze of Christ

“Faith means to find, hold to, and cast my anchor on the foundation (the living, dying, and rising of the Lord Jesus Christ) and so to be held by it.  Faith means to base life on a foundation outside myself, on an eternal and holy foundation, on Christ.  Faith means to be captivated by the gaze of Jesus Christ; one sees nothing but him.  Faith means to be torn out of imprisonment in one’s own ego, liberated by Jesus Christ.” – D. Bonhoffer

Recently I was asked to share about Faith during a service at our church.  For some time I wrestled with what to say.  What did I know about true faith?  I felt inadequate to speak to a church about something that I was, and am, still growing in.  Not knowing where to begin, I sought advice from my wise husband who led me to Hebrews 11:1-2.  Here Paul defines faith as “the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen [for] it gives us the assurance about things we cannot see”.   This really made me think about how much of my life I have lived “comfortable” with not much need for real true faith.  Everything I ever needed was given to me – I had control over my life completely and so what use did I have for God?  But it has only been in recent years that I have come to see that the foundation I had built was one based on self…a self whose worth was dependent on other’s opinions about me, whose brokenness hurt those I loved most around me and whose insecurities birthed anger, intolerance, judgement and jealousy.  And it was through living in community here in Africa, that I came face to face with my limitations, weaknesses and the dark places in my heart.  But it was also through this same community that I am learning to humbly serve and love those around me.  I am learning what it means to find healing within the embrace of others who desire the same thing.  I am learning to commit myself to my Father’s plan and trust him in it.  I am learning that I need to have a life which, as Bonhoffer explains, is based on a foundation OUTSIDE myself, on the unshakable love of Christ.  And lastly, I am learning what it means to have genuine, true, active faith…and I am indebted to many of our African leaders for teaching me this over the past five years.

One woman in particular, Towela, has taught me what is means to live out what James speaks about in chapter 2:14-17.  Her life demonstrates that deep faith must produce good deeds for it to be complete.  Not only does the choice she has made to dedicate her life to hundreds of children by serving with Hands at Work in Zambia demonstrate such faithful servanthood, the choices she makes in her family life reflect this as well.  Living in a tiny two bedroom house with her husband and 4 children, Towela never thought twice when they decided to take in Rose, a girl who was neglected, abused, taken advantage of and is suffering in many other ways, as their own.  Never once did she weigh their expenses against their limited income when her sister and other family members have arrived on her doorstep needing a place to live.  Never once did she say “no, we don’t have room for you.”  For when she has come across the hungry, she feeds them; the thirsty, she gives them drink; the stranger, a roof over their heads and the naked, clothing to wear.  She cares for the sick and visits those who are weary and have been cast out.  With no assurance of money to do these things, Towela daily acts in faith because she knows that Jesus would do the same for her.  She acts from her heart, with TRUST that as she reaches out to care for others God will care for her. 

For me, Towela’s life vividly illustrates the calling that each of us who follow Christ are held to – to humbly serve the poor, the distressed, the widows and the dying (James 1:27).  In Romans 10:15, it says “How beautiful are the feet of messengers who bring good news” – And this is the reason Towela’s dusty, calloused and worn feet are beautiful…because each morning she CHOOSES to wake up and live out the Good News.  She, along with our other African leaders: James, Sukai, Audrey, Farai, Florence, Peter, Levi, Blessings, Mbuzi, Trina, Roy and Erick, are carrying out the vision to demonstrate with words and actions, the full gospel of Jesus. 

They are each walking alongside hundreds of Care Workers across Africa, sharing with them the deep love of Christ…making very real the truth that Jesus has been “sent to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed.” That he has been sent “to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord’s favor has come.” And that “to all who mourn, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair [and] in their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.  They will rebuild the ancient ruins, repairing cities destroyed long ago” (Isaiah 61:1b-4a). It is through their own brokenness that these leaders are choosing to help carry the burdens that our Care Workers carry, and are thus becoming apart of God’s plan for healing and transformation in their lives. 

And so it is through all of this that faith is built.  As Towela serves her people, her faith is strengthened; as the Care Workers learn more about Jesus, their faith is strengthened (for “faith comes from hearing, that is, the good News of Christ” - Romans 10:17); and as I bear witness to these lives dedicated to love, my faith is strengthened.  It is through people like Towela, that I have begun to understand what it really means to love.  Not because I think that she has it all figured out, or that she is perfect…But because I know that she can live this life because she has embraced her imperfections and bore her wounds.  Because she has acknowledged her weaknesses and therefore must depend on God for her strength.  It is because she is completely convinced that “nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” (Romans 8:38).
 - a

“If You Don’t Stand for Something, You Will Fall for Anything”

It has been probably close to a year since I’ve been to Swaziland, but there was a period of almost 2 years where I was going there close to every month.  This time I went to host a team of people from Family Church in the UK.  Some of them had been to Swaziland before but for some it was their first time.  The community that we support is in a place called Kaphunga (pronounced Ga-poong-aa).  It is a very rural setting and a very traditional place, almost like taking a step back in time.  Many mud huts and grass thatched roofs.  When we stay there, it means using out-house type toilets and bucket baths.  Kaphunga holds a special place in my heart.  The people are amazing and always make me feel loved and welcomed.   I have had opportunities to really dig in with the volunteer Care Workers  there; from hearing their heart for their community, to challenging them on sensitive issues.  I feel like I’ve developed a special bond with them.  Even though it’s only been a couple years, it feels like we have walked a road together. 

So when I bring a team with me, it means I get lots of time to walk with the Care Workers and visit the families that they visit.  The Care Workers are mostly Gogo’s (Grandmothers), but they are the toughest grannies you have ever seen in your life.  Just a small example is the way they carry heavy buckets of water on their head over steep and long muddy paths; they would put most of us to shame.  It’s very humbling.  The challenges that the Care Workers find in the homes that they visit are unbelievable.  When we get to the family’s homes, we sit and talk with them and they share their stories with us.  Their stories always seem to have a common element, that the family can barely survive with the food they have.  First I should say that for the most part there are no mothers or fathers in these homes, whether they have passed away or just left their children.  That has left all these Gogos to care for the children.  Most Gogos get a pension from the government but it amounts to only about $20 USD a month.  For a family of 5 or so, that doesn’t cut it.  Often these families have to beg and plead with neighbours for food. But when everyone is struggling it’s tough and you are really at the mercy of people’s generosity.  I saw some tough homes and heartbreaking situations this time...small children with HIV who continue to go to the clinic and can’t seem to get better, families with no food, women praying their husbands will return after months of not knowing where they are and Gogos so sick that they are left to die on the floor of their huts.  It is a tough place where the most basic of needs are not guaranteed.  But we walk alongside them in their amazing journeys and encourage them in this work.  It must be incredibly tough for them to keep on visiting these heartbreaking situations and not lose hope. 

Everything is such a big distance in Kaphunga that you have to take a car for the really long visits.  But the car can only go so far as the roads have washed away with such heavy rain falls this year.  And then we walk through the bush.  On one home visit we arrived to find a Gogo that was extremely sick.  She had been down for two weeks and the one time she did get up she fell down and had not moved since.  When we arrived she looked so relieved and happy.   But I just kept thinking, what are we going to do here?  We are in the middle of the bush with this granny who can’t walk.  She had puss coming out of her ears and she was now coughing up puss as well.  She obviously had a bad infection and it was spreading, not to mention that she is HIV positive.  She asked, “How did you know that I was sick and you should come here?”.  I put my arm around her Care Worker, Jabulile, and said, “Jabulile told us and she brought us here.”  I’m sure that in that moment she couldn’t have been more grateful to Jabulile and I could see it in her face.  But we still didn’t know what to do.  I asked if we could make a plan.  I was skeptical because the car was so far away on these bad roads, but I knew we had to do something. Walking away meant this Gogo would probably die before she got help.  Her grandson, Themba,  looked at us in distress, but they obviously didn’t know what to do either.  It seemed to me that they were just going to wait until she died or got better.  Without intervention she would have wasted away on that dirt floor.  So I asked the Care Worker if we could make a plan.  She said yes, but it was clear that they didn’t know what we could do.  I asked if they had a wheelbarrow and they did.  So the plan started to come together.  We got the wheelbarrow, while someone from the team went to fetch the car and bring it a little ways closer.  We got Gogo up and eased her into the wheelbarrow.  From there the grandson brought her through the bush to the point where the car had reached.  When the Gogo had to pee she asked to get out of the wheelbarrow and she sat on all fours peeing.  Somewhere inside I felt broken knowing that this once able-bodied, proud woman, was reduced to peeing in front of a group of people while she sat on the floor.  But it didn’t matter, what mattered was we were moving.  We had some struggles with the car because of the condition of the roads, but eventually got situated.  We lifted the Gogo into the car and brought her to the clinic.  Here she was given medication and we even got her some food because the family had none.  It was a blessing to us to be able to help in a tangible way, as often the situations you encounter don’t require an emergency response but more ongoing support.  The team and I were so blessed by the experience.  The Gogo and her grandson had a kind of tough demeanour when we started.  By the time we walked her back home, prayed with her and said goodbye I could see relief and a real softening in their hearts.  It was a special moment that I will not soon forget. 

I am forever encouraged by the Care Workers who go above and beyond themselves every day and they don’t have a car to do it with.  This home visit reminds me of the ways that myself and family back in Canada are blessed.  If we are sick then we just drive to the clinic.  If we need food then we just go to the store.  We don’t sit on our mud floors waiting to die or for God to show up because we have all that we need.  We struggle to see the need for God in our lives.  Maybe we have all that we need physically, but we are lost spiritually and emotionally.  We do need God but it’s not obvious to us and so we attempt to get by on our own strength. 

I have found purpose in my journey and a drive that gives me hope.  I feel like I’ve moved closer to Joy than I ever have before and continue to seek more.  My time in Swaziland only serves to confirm what I’m doing here.  Though there is often much heartache, on a daily basis I often see overwhelming generosity that defies logic...radical giving that is not just out of ones excess.  People who lay down their own lives to save the lives of those in need.  What could be more beautiful or rewarding?  There has to be something more than just being the manager of my department at work, a big house and a new car.  Not that ‘things’ are bad, but what does each of us stand for.  It has to be more than the things that we can buy.  How will we ever be fulfilled in that way? The answer is we can’t, and so we will always want to buy the next new thing.  We will never fill that hole.  For me becoming a Christian hasn’t meant that I’m now perfect or look at others in judgement.  But instead it simply means that I have recognized my own weaknesses and shortcomings.  I strive to do better knowing that through God’s love I am forgiven my faults.  I am imperfect in my walk, but I continue to seek God’s heart.  So what do you stand for?

-t