em•brace



To embrace: transitive verb meaning to take up especially readily or gladly.

I think that as Tyler and I have become more immersed in the culture of the community that we live in here, we have come to understand that we are constantly moving in and out of different “seasons”.  And in each of these seasons, if we allow Him, God reveals something new and fresh to us.  Sometimes it involves where we are in our marriage, sometimes our vocation and other times our emotional or spiritual journeys….but no matter what area God is working on, we have found that we first need to come face to face with our own personal demons (for lack of better words) before new life can break through.

In the last post Tyler spoke much about how we have recently entered a very new and unique season in our lives.  And in that, I believe he painted a bit of a picture of how we are transitioning into that season.  Now of course this new time didn’t start when we came to Africa, it really began on the cool, misty morning (it really was super foggy, I am not just adding that for dramatic effect) of October 19^th when our sweet Hayden was born.  From the moment our gorgeous boy took his first breath, everything changed for our family.  As many other parents will know, the transition from two to three is one of the most extraordinary events to ever take place in one’s life.  The combination I felt of overwhelming joy and unconditional love mixed with fear of failure and the unknown was like nothing else.  I knew our lives would never be the same, and while I was excited about this, I also had to prepare my heart for the things I needed to let go of…the things I needed to, in a sense, mourn the loss of.  But please don’t misunderstand when I use the word “mourn” as I can see how this could come off as extremely negative.  For what I have realized over the years as Tyler and I have made life choices which take us completely out of the lives we have grown up to know, is that when we make these choices, we often need to “release” or mourn what it was that we knew so well.  It happened as we adapted to a new life here in Africa and again when we Hayden was born.  

To be honest, the first couple months in Canada I didn’t really feel so challenged by this new life. Of course I was sleep deprived and needing to adapt to everything being about Hayden but it didn’t feel like it was that much of a transition.  I don’t know if it was because I was able to get out a lot, or because I had other girlfriends on maternity leave with me, or a combination of that, but in any case, it wasn’t until I came back home to Africa that I was truly forced to face just how different my life would be now that being “mom” was my first and only role.

And so came my time to learn what it really meant to embrace the season God had planned for me.  But before I could embrace it, I had to accept and release who I knew myself to be, in this family at Hands, before I became a mother.  And so ensues my story of the first few weeks of life here…it was a time that wasn’t easy.  It was painful. And as I was confronted once again with issues surrounding my sense of self-worth, I felt left out, lonely, and even insignificant because I was no longer directly involved in the work that I am so passionate about.  I was no longer apart of the regional support team I had come to love and be so comfortable with, and as a result felt very disconnected from everything and everybody.  It’s hard to explain, because even though I was surrounded by the family I love so dear, I felt isolated and sad.  I hated the thought of missing out on things and I would drive myself crazy thinking about everything I was not a part of anymore.  I even felt myself beginning to resent others for the fact that they got to be involved and I didn’t.  But at the same time, there was something else pressing on my heart.  Something that I ignored for a while because it felt better to wallow in my own self-pity than to listen to what God was trying to tell me.  Do you ever have that?  It’s like having a loose tooth that hurts when you wiggle it but you keep doing it because for some reason the pain is addictive and comforting.  That’s what I was doing.  Wiggling my “loose tooth” and feeling sad for myself…not a fun place to be.  Finally though, when I did relent and listen to what God had to say, I almost immediately felt FREEDOM.  It’s as if I had chains around my ankles and I had at last broke free of their bondage…and with that acceptance, came something beautiful.  With that acceptance, I learned that in order to live fully here, I had to EMBRACE the season that lay before me because if I didn’t, I would miss what God has for me in this time.  I would miss His blessings and even miss out being a blessing to others. 

So that’s what I did.  I embraced.  I actively chose to see all the amazing and positive things there were about being home with my baby.  I stopped thinking about all I was missing and asked God to reveal to me all that I had in front of me.  And with that I began to see the joy in my daily happenings, and it’s pretty amazing what I get to do now that I have the time.  I get to cook more, bake more, and spend more real, quality time with people.  I get to watch Hayden as he grows and learns so many new things.  I get to minister to, and be ministered by, many of the unique people I get to call my family here.  I get to help out in areas I never did before and get to do it with flexibility and without pressure.  And so although my days are not completely clear of brief bouts of FOMO (fear of missing out) and the occasional frustrated or sad moments, I largely feel at peace about this season I am in, and I thank God that He and Tyler have had grace for me in the time it took me to get to this final embrace.

-a

a new season

Being back in Canada for 7 months was really an incredible time for us.  Over the years it feels like we’ve missed so many, birthdays, weddings, births, deaths, etc. So, being back for an extended period has been really important for us.   In that time we really reconnected with family and friends.  Being at home to experience those good times and seeing people through the hard things was really special. And having Hayden be born back in Canada surrounded by the family and friends that we love was certainly a huge blessing and a time we will treasure forever. 

But every season has it's end, so on January 6th, we started our journey back to  South Africa. It was exhausting as usual, but Hayden was amazing.  He slept the majority of the two flights and was happy as a clam when he wasn't sleeping. We had dreaded that journey since Hayden was born, so it was such a relief to see how good he did.  

 

After 30+ hours of travelling, we arrived back  home to our family here in White River and felt so welcome as always...everyone was so excited to meet the little  guy!  It  really has been nice to be back, even during the times that questions stir around my head about the choices we have made for our new baby. It was so hard to take him away from our family and friends that love him so much. But  through it all we trust that for this season we are in the right place.  

 

 

I felt like this trip back was the hardest for me.  It just took a long time to get over the jet lag.  But at least Hayden has done well in his short time back here.  His first few days back he even slept right through the night, which he had never done before....so his night as sorted out but the temperature difference is another story.  It's between 30-40 degrees plus humidity, most days so it is taking him time to adjust to the heat.  The last few days have been cooler and it seems like Hayden has been enjoying that.  In addition to all the other adjustments Hayden is making (new smells, surrounding, time changes) we think that he is starting to teethe! There’s lots of drool and he is biting just about anything that comes near his mouth.  Scary to think seeing as he is only just over 3 months. But at the same time his neck is starting to get really strong ...probably due to  being handed off to a million people.  Overall he continues to be a happy and content little boy who gives us much joy and many smiles every day.  

As for us, in regards to work, being back has been quiet.  I think Hands at Work is being intentional in giving us time to adjust to life in Africa with a  new baby. It been great though because we have had time to reunite with friends and settle into life.  One highlight for us in particular has been seeing Phumla again.  As most of you know (we told her story in a post last year), Phumla is a girl we met in 2009 when we first came to Africa and have since become very close with her.  After she graduated we have been helping her to get through nursing school to become an auxiliary nurse, which I imagine is like an LPN.  It is rare to see kids from the community do so well, given their limited support at home, limited funds and sub-par educations system.  But Phumla has done well and we are so proud of her.  She calls us Mom and Dad, which is very special for us.  It means a lot to have someone so impacted by you that they consider you a parent.  We love her and pray for her often. She comes from a story that when I think about it, it breaks my heart.  But she is doing so well and loves her new baby brother. 

So this is life, so far, for us back in South Africa.  Missing people, being reunited with others and adjusting.  We want to be better this year at updating people on how we are doing.  So if it’s been a long time and you haven’t heard anything, you better raise a flag.  Let us know you need an update.  Much love.

- Tyler (plus Alicia and Hayden)

Home to Canada

It is always a little surreal right before big life changes.  I think your mind can’t really take in, what is about to happen.  For us it’s not only going back to Canada for a period, it’s also having a baby and then bringing that baby back to Africa.  It feels like a lot to process.  Surprisingly we seem to have a lot of peace about it.
I am excited to be home with friends and family for a significant time.   What is tough is saying goodbye to the people and relationships I have built in Zimbabwe and Swaziland.   I leave knowing that my role here could change completely and it may mean that I don’t see the people in those countries much anymore.  I will miss them a lot.  Definitely Zim people have felt like family to me and when I actually leave it will be hard because of that.

But having these new experiences in front of us is beyond exciting.  What a total game changer, having a child.  It’s so big that it’s hard to even imagine what it will look like.  And looking at coming back with our child is exciting, but again leaves me wondering what life will look like.

I’m filled with questions and excitement.  Really we are expectant for what comes next.  Just wanted to lay down some thoughts as I process…..

~T

Anticipation

I feel like we are in such a crazy time right now.  Right now we are at the Hands at Work annual Celebrations in Zambia.  This is where we bring people together from many different nations to discuss and celebrate what is being done to help some of the most vulnerable children in the world.  What an exciting time to be a part of what’s happening.

Not only that but, we are excited and anticipating this baby that is on the way.  Seeing that Ultrasound the other week was indescribable for me.  A moment I will always remember. 

As we look to head back to Victoria for a period, as always, I feel torn.  Torn between the excitement of heading back to Canada and all that entails and leaving behind everything in Africa.  This seems inevitable though with friends and family on both sides.  I feel so passionate about this work, and this way of life, but at times it is tiring.  If you have read previous blogs you may have heard the story of Phumla who is very close to us.  Leaving Phumla behind breaks my heart, along with many others. She told us that we have become parents to her and she cried when we told her we were going home for a while.

As we head back to Victoria, we don’t know where we will live and how we will make it work, but we trust that things will come together.  The idea of a new addition to the family seems so strange, beautiful and exciting.  Honestly I was starting to have doubts, somewhere in the back of my mind, that this would happen for us.  I can’t wait to share this experience with my family.  And knowing that we are coming back to Africa gives me peace.  I know there are many people on this side who will also be excited to meet our baby.  We don’t know what it will look like coming back here after the baby.  How could we though, we have never been through this before.  Whatever it looks like I pray for love and support from our families because it’s never easy to leave people behind. 

Life in Africa is incredible and I hope to share it with more friends and family from Canada someday.  It’s hard to go home and fit into life again.  At the same time I don’t want to slip back into the way things were.  I love the growth in my life and the way things are and I hope I will continue to grow personally and in my marriage. 

As this next season approaches I feel joy, something much deeper than happiness.  We have received such a blessing and it makes me want to be a better person, a better husband and a good father.  I pray that I will also continue to feel the peace that is in me now.

~T