Journal Excerpts

June 4th - I was running this morning. It was early and the morning fog still hung lightly over the dam beside the ASM campus. The sun was rising slowly over Masoyi but the winter chill continued to hold my hands in its grip. I rounded the corner of the field where the trees arch beautifully over what used to be an airstrip; and it was then these words flooded my mind: “Set your sights on the Lord Jesus and He will prepare the way.” This has been such a theme for me! It is like God is gently nudging me; telling me to look to the future…not with anxiety and worry, but with a sense of excitement and peace. And as I looked through the trees, an image of Jesus standing between the rows of trees was imprinted on my heart. It is an image I can still see now. A reminder that God knows…He has a plan for me and all I need to remember is to walk WITH Him. I need to set my sights on Him, trusting Him with an open heart and a willing spirit.

Later that morning, at our usually Monday Prayer meeting, God continued to speak to me. He put a heavy challenge on my heart. A challenge that I know I need to take on. He spoke to me about the upmost importance of our HEARTS. That we often want to lead with our minds and our hands when instead we must lead with our hearts! That in order for the Holy Spirit to fill us and for God to work effectively through us, we have to be willing to be completely vulnerable. We have to break open the door and smash down the walls surrounding our hearts. We have to open our hearts SO wide so that He can come in. This hit me with such conviction, tears rolled down my face and I knelt down on the ground. There has been a strong wall around my heart. One created by fear, self-rejection, anger and frustration…all the things that have prevented me from becoming intimate with God. I prayed and I will continue to pray that that wall will be broken down. That I will be willing to fail! Willing to have my heart broken because that is the only way Christ can fill me with all the joy, love and beauty he desires. I prayed that I would be His vessel. That His abundant blessings bestowed on me will be used to BLESS Him; to BLESS others. That I will lead with my heart; not my mind or my body.

June 8th – Laid in the grass tonight, just starring at the expanse of stars above me. Thought about my parents. How blessed I am. I have everything and yet I give so little. I give the easy things; the extras but never the things I hold close to me. I want to live radically generous. My money is not mine but the Lord’s, so why can I not let it go? To use it to bless others. In my heart I want to, but I never know “how much” or “to what.” So I lay there and prayed. A prayer that I hope will be on repeat. For a tongue which speaks words of love. For a heart filled with Jesus. I want to hear the Lord. I want to be a good steward, an obedient child. I want the “sad” feelings I have for the brokenness here to be deeper than that. I want my heart to break so that the Lord can really use me and all He’s blessed me with to bless Him back.