It's the first really rainy day we've had since being in Africa and it's a Sunday so there has been a lot of time to reflect.
Yesterday I went into Masoyi and picked up a few of the kids from the After School Program we taught last year. We haven't had much time to visit them so far so I thought I would bring them back to our place on a Saturday. We went down to the field and played some soccer, it was exciting. Such an easy way to re-connect with the guys. In the middle of the game I can't stop thinking how good it is to be back. They go ape for the pool, so they had a chance to swim in the pool. The water was freezing and the day was cold, but they didn't care. After that I drove them to see the Sprinkbok and Zebra that were on this huge farm just down the road. The grass at the farm had just been cut and the animals were wandering near to the fence. Then back to our place for some PB & J sandwiches and a little James Bond. They loved the action movie. All in all it was an amazing time.
After all this something has not been sitting right with me ever since. I don't know what it is. Originally it was just supposed to be 3 of us and then a couple more kids ended up inviting themselves along. That's fine, I guess I was just hoping to have a time for connecting with a few of them at once. Also I know they were hoping that I would cook, but I was already running around crazy organizing this day for them and didn't really have the time. So I don't know if maybe I just felt a little under appreciated. The day was still amazing, but somehow part of it was a little bitter sweet. I just hope they enjoyed it as much as I did, sometimes they are hard to read.
~T
A Quote
This is such an amazing quote it really spoke to me. I hope that you will take the time to not just read it, but really understand it.
“Therefore I shall devote myself, my time, my energy, my talents, to the service of South Africa. I shall no longer ask myself if this is expedient, but only if it is right. I shall do this not because I am noble or unselfish, but because life slips away, and because I need for the rest of my journey a star that will not play false to me, a compass that will not lie. I shall do this, not because I am a negrophile and a hater of my own, but because I cannot find it in me to do anything else. I am lost when I balance this against that, I am lost when I ask if this is safe, I am lost when I ask if men, white men or black men, Englishmen or Afrikaners, Gentiles or Jews, will approve. Therefore I shall try to do what is right, and to speak what is true.
I do this not because I am courageous and honest, but because it is the only way to end the conflict of my deepest soul. I do it because I am no longer able to aspire to the highest with one part of myself and to deny it with another. I do not wish to live like that, I would rather die than live like that. I understand better those who have died for their convictions, and have not thought it was wonderful or brave or noble to die. They died rather than live, that was all.
Yet it would not be honest to pretend that it is solely an inverted selfishness that moves me. I am moved by something that is not my own, that moves me to do what is right at whatever cost it may be. In this I am fortunate that I have married a wife who thinks as I do, who has tried to conquer her own fears and hates. Aspiration is thus made easy. My children are too young to understand. It would be grievous if they grew up to hate me or fear me, or to think of me as a betrayer of those things that I call our possessions. It would be a source of unending joy if they grew up to think as we do. It would be exciting, exhilarating, a matter of thanksgiving. But it cannot be bargained for. It must be given or withheld, and whether the one or the other, it must not alter the course that is right.”
~Written by the character Arthur Jarvis
The Novel: Cry, The Beloved Country written by Alan Paton, pg 208
-T
“Therefore I shall devote myself, my time, my energy, my talents, to the service of South Africa. I shall no longer ask myself if this is expedient, but only if it is right. I shall do this not because I am noble or unselfish, but because life slips away, and because I need for the rest of my journey a star that will not play false to me, a compass that will not lie. I shall do this, not because I am a negrophile and a hater of my own, but because I cannot find it in me to do anything else. I am lost when I balance this against that, I am lost when I ask if this is safe, I am lost when I ask if men, white men or black men, Englishmen or Afrikaners, Gentiles or Jews, will approve. Therefore I shall try to do what is right, and to speak what is true.
I do this not because I am courageous and honest, but because it is the only way to end the conflict of my deepest soul. I do it because I am no longer able to aspire to the highest with one part of myself and to deny it with another. I do not wish to live like that, I would rather die than live like that. I understand better those who have died for their convictions, and have not thought it was wonderful or brave or noble to die. They died rather than live, that was all.
Yet it would not be honest to pretend that it is solely an inverted selfishness that moves me. I am moved by something that is not my own, that moves me to do what is right at whatever cost it may be. In this I am fortunate that I have married a wife who thinks as I do, who has tried to conquer her own fears and hates. Aspiration is thus made easy. My children are too young to understand. It would be grievous if they grew up to hate me or fear me, or to think of me as a betrayer of those things that I call our possessions. It would be a source of unending joy if they grew up to think as we do. It would be exciting, exhilarating, a matter of thanksgiving. But it cannot be bargained for. It must be given or withheld, and whether the one or the other, it must not alter the course that is right.”
~Written by the character Arthur Jarvis
The Novel: Cry, The Beloved Country written by Alan Paton, pg 208
-T
Things that make you go hmmm...
I have never really liked spiders. They are hairy, sneaky little buggers who like to hide in corners and under sheets, just waiting to skitter out to make you jump. Canadian, Africa, Asian, big, small…they are all the same…unpleasant. And until 4 days ago, that’s just how I saw them. They have never really harmed me, so I had no reason to hate them. That has all changed now. My distaste for spiders has regrettably moved on to be pure hatred. Now I know that I should love all things in God’s creation, but how can I have love for something which has left me with what it feels like to be a golf-ball sized lump on my bottom. Yes that’s right. I got bit by a spider, and of all places that he could have bit me, he (I am convinced it’s a male because certainly a female wouldn’t induce this much pain on another female) chose my bum. That nice fleshy piece of the body that most of us never really think about…sure we complain about its size and shape, but how often do we actually think about how much we use our bums? I now am very aware that every time we sit, we sit on our bums. And when that bum is compromised, say by a giant, very sore spider bite, we realize how in debt we are to our bums. To make matters worse, this all happened (without my knowledge) right before our weekend stay in the community, nice huh?
In any case, since I have now successfully thrown a lavish pity party for myself, I should really move onto the real reason I felt compelled to write this story.
To begin I should explain that I believe God speaks to everyone in different ways. I have heard many stories about people who have clearly heard God speak to them; that in a time of stillness or even desperation they have heard Him. But I think that in most cases, God uses much more mysterious, indirect ways to speak to us. This certainly is the case for me. Perhaps this is because I find it very hard to be still and listen (something I know I need to learn to do) or perhaps it’s deeper than that. Perhaps it is because God cherishes the beauty of His creation so much that he uses the stillness of the morning breeze and the warmth of the afternoon sun to speak to us. And that He values relationships so much that he uses people to speak to us. It seem as though he brings both unfamiliar and familiar people into our lives to bless us, challenge us and force us to dig deep into our own blackness in order to discover our inner poverty. In my case God has worked through a simple thing like a spider bite to expose many hidden things from deep inside me. Unexpectedly, He has uncovered my brokenness; my insecurities; my selfishness. Not to intentionally bring pain upon me, but to instead bring forth healing and personal reconciliation. Knowing this doesn’t make it easy…it is a huge, painful struggle for me…but at least I can work through it knowing I am surrounded by more love and compassion than I could have ever asked for. At least I know that experiences such as these will only shape me into the woman I was created to be. And that when I can learn to fully accept the incredible gift of grace and unconditional love which has been bestowed upon me, that I will finally truly be able to love and serve others in a way we are all called to.
-a
In any case, since I have now successfully thrown a lavish pity party for myself, I should really move onto the real reason I felt compelled to write this story.
To begin I should explain that I believe God speaks to everyone in different ways. I have heard many stories about people who have clearly heard God speak to them; that in a time of stillness or even desperation they have heard Him. But I think that in most cases, God uses much more mysterious, indirect ways to speak to us. This certainly is the case for me. Perhaps this is because I find it very hard to be still and listen (something I know I need to learn to do) or perhaps it’s deeper than that. Perhaps it is because God cherishes the beauty of His creation so much that he uses the stillness of the morning breeze and the warmth of the afternoon sun to speak to us. And that He values relationships so much that he uses people to speak to us. It seem as though he brings both unfamiliar and familiar people into our lives to bless us, challenge us and force us to dig deep into our own blackness in order to discover our inner poverty. In my case God has worked through a simple thing like a spider bite to expose many hidden things from deep inside me. Unexpectedly, He has uncovered my brokenness; my insecurities; my selfishness. Not to intentionally bring pain upon me, but to instead bring forth healing and personal reconciliation. Knowing this doesn’t make it easy…it is a huge, painful struggle for me…but at least I can work through it knowing I am surrounded by more love and compassion than I could have ever asked for. At least I know that experiences such as these will only shape me into the woman I was created to be. And that when I can learn to fully accept the incredible gift of grace and unconditional love which has been bestowed upon me, that I will finally truly be able to love and serve others in a way we are all called to.
-a
Community Stay
It's a funny thing to do a community stay. At first we seem to hit the surface and wonder why we are with this particular family. There is a 25 year old girl and a 22 year old girl living with their 2 younger brother. They even have 2 Uncles living near by and a brother who lives right across the road. No one speaks much English and we speak very mininal Siswati, so we have to ask ourselves are these the poorest of the poor. There is no doubt that these children are poor but are they the most vulnerable? Hands at Work is dedicated to serving the most vunerable, so I thought that is where we would be.
But as I sit and write this the youngest brother who is 10 years old, Jabu, sits beside me and we aren't saying a word. We are outside looking over the unbelievable view and listening to the 25 year old sing a beautiful melody in Siswati. The only word I can pull from the song she sings is Siyabonga (thank you). One of the care workers who walked around with us flipped my perception of this family on it's head. So now the situation is this.
These 2 young double orphan boys, 10 and 15 years old, usually live alone. The 25 year old is their cousin who lives with boyfriends and only comes around to eat and take their food up to her father who is a drunk. The other Uncle near by is also a drunk and he likes to stop by the house just polluted, and you watch how quickly the boys stop laughing when he comes in. The 22 year old sister is only around sometimes, but she does help the boys with household chores. The other thing is she doesn't work so when she's there she isn't contributing food or money. The boys biggest problem is this. These boys go to school all day and then come home every day to herd goat for 4 hours. They make about $15 a month which their much older brother takes and buys himself booze and occasionally will get them some food. Usually he just shows up at dinner time and takes what they have for food. I see the boys following the same path, both are years behind in school. The older brother at 15 is in grade 5, although he doesn't look 15. There is no solid role model.
Today the careworker said that Senzo had something to tell me, but he couldn't communicate. He couldn't tell the careworker, but he wanted to open to us. The only thing stopping him is a language barrier! That is beyond frustrating, that there is someone outside his community that he could finally open up to, but not quite. This breaks my heart and for the first time since I've been back in Africa I feel my heart breaking. The stay in Spelanyane has been amazing, but I feel so unsettled....
-T
But as I sit and write this the youngest brother who is 10 years old, Jabu, sits beside me and we aren't saying a word. We are outside looking over the unbelievable view and listening to the 25 year old sing a beautiful melody in Siswati. The only word I can pull from the song she sings is Siyabonga (thank you). One of the care workers who walked around with us flipped my perception of this family on it's head. So now the situation is this.
These 2 young double orphan boys, 10 and 15 years old, usually live alone. The 25 year old is their cousin who lives with boyfriends and only comes around to eat and take their food up to her father who is a drunk. The other Uncle near by is also a drunk and he likes to stop by the house just polluted, and you watch how quickly the boys stop laughing when he comes in. The 22 year old sister is only around sometimes, but she does help the boys with household chores. The other thing is she doesn't work so when she's there she isn't contributing food or money. The boys biggest problem is this. These boys go to school all day and then come home every day to herd goat for 4 hours. They make about $15 a month which their much older brother takes and buys himself booze and occasionally will get them some food. Usually he just shows up at dinner time and takes what they have for food. I see the boys following the same path, both are years behind in school. The older brother at 15 is in grade 5, although he doesn't look 15. There is no solid role model.
Today the careworker said that Senzo had something to tell me, but he couldn't communicate. He couldn't tell the careworker, but he wanted to open to us. The only thing stopping him is a language barrier! That is beyond frustrating, that there is someone outside his community that he could finally open up to, but not quite. This breaks my heart and for the first time since I've been back in Africa I feel my heart breaking. The stay in Spelanyane has been amazing, but I feel so unsettled....
-T
Waiting for the Shock
I think it's safe to say that the Shock of being back in Africa isn't coming. It's been a week and feels like we're back at home. For the last week we have just been doing orientation and getting back into the swing of things. I love the community feel here, it's like our second family.
The other day we went to the After School Program that we taught last year to see the kids. They were exstatic, jumping around and yelling. Last year it was so hard to say goodbye to them. This time it felt so good to see them. We have also seen so many friends that we left behind last time. Just spending time catching up with people. It's all been amazing.
We talked with George (founder of Hands at Work) on the balcony of their place looking out over the Masoyi community. The view is unbelievable and somehow compliments what he is saying. I felt something ignite inside me. Whatever doubts or insecurities I had seem to vanish and all that is left is a drive to help in whatever way I can.
Africa has such a community feel and a richness of spirit that draws you in. You can't fight it. It feels good for my soul to be back here. I look forward to diving into the work, but I am soaking up every ounce of the people, landscape and all my surroundings along the way.
-T
The other day we went to the After School Program that we taught last year to see the kids. They were exstatic, jumping around and yelling. Last year it was so hard to say goodbye to them. This time it felt so good to see them. We have also seen so many friends that we left behind last time. Just spending time catching up with people. It's all been amazing.
We talked with George (founder of Hands at Work) on the balcony of their place looking out over the Masoyi community. The view is unbelievable and somehow compliments what he is saying. I felt something ignite inside me. Whatever doubts or insecurities I had seem to vanish and all that is left is a drive to help in whatever way I can.
Africa has such a community feel and a richness of spirit that draws you in. You can't fight it. It feels good for my soul to be back here. I look forward to diving into the work, but I am soaking up every ounce of the people, landscape and all my surroundings along the way.
-T
Under bright wings
From conception He could see the choices I would make. He knows all the intricate details of my life; from the present to the ones to come. Now it is interesting because I have always known this, yet I am still amazed when I finally relinquish control, that He goes before me and prepares the way for me.
The journey Ty and I have made back to Africa is only one example of this. Like last year, once we made the decision to go, God brought all the pieces together. Our place was rented, our car was sold, we were blessed with an abundance of work and received an incredible amount of support from the most unexpected people in our lives. Everything came together in 7 short months and so here we are. We arrived at the Hands at Work base three nights ago, and almost instantly all our last minute anxiety and “cold feet” feelings dissipated. It was like we had never left. Crazy as it sounds, it is as if the past 9 months never happened…that’s how much at home we feel. Reuniting with our extended family at Hands has been so exciting and although there are still so many unknowns, we can’t wait to see what the coming year holds for us.
-a
The journey Ty and I have made back to Africa is only one example of this. Like last year, once we made the decision to go, God brought all the pieces together. Our place was rented, our car was sold, we were blessed with an abundance of work and received an incredible amount of support from the most unexpected people in our lives. Everything came together in 7 short months and so here we are. We arrived at the Hands at Work base three nights ago, and almost instantly all our last minute anxiety and “cold feet” feelings dissipated. It was like we had never left. Crazy as it sounds, it is as if the past 9 months never happened…that’s how much at home we feel. Reuniting with our extended family at Hands has been so exciting and although there are still so many unknowns, we can’t wait to see what the coming year holds for us.
-a
I can't believe its time
So here I sit. In Toronto. Our visit with the new nephew is coming to a close and I can't believe that we board the plane for Joburg in only 5 hours.
Its such a strange feeling; saying goodbye for a year. It's weird to think that the next time I see Kingsley he'll be walking; and Wyatt talking and running around; and Marina, well she'll probably be playing rock band all by herself. I know that in the grand scheme of things one year is not a long time, but part of me still feels like so much will happen while we are away. But away we go anyway....time for new adventures and experiences. Time to return "home" to Africa, to reunite with all those we left behind a year ago. Finally, with these thoughts, I am filled with the excitement and joy that has been absent during the busy times of moving and saying goodbye.
Its such a strange feeling; saying goodbye for a year. It's weird to think that the next time I see Kingsley he'll be walking; and Wyatt talking and running around; and Marina, well she'll probably be playing rock band all by herself. I know that in the grand scheme of things one year is not a long time, but part of me still feels like so much will happen while we are away. But away we go anyway....time for new adventures and experiences. Time to return "home" to Africa, to reunite with all those we left behind a year ago. Finally, with these thoughts, I am filled with the excitement and joy that has been absent during the busy times of moving and saying goodbye.
