em•brace



To embrace: transitive verb meaning to take up especially readily or gladly.

I think that as Tyler and I have become more immersed in the culture of the community that we live in here, we have come to understand that we are constantly moving in and out of different “seasons”.  And in each of these seasons, if we allow Him, God reveals something new and fresh to us.  Sometimes it involves where we are in our marriage, sometimes our vocation and other times our emotional or spiritual journeys….but no matter what area God is working on, we have found that we first need to come face to face with our own personal demons (for lack of better words) before new life can break through.

In the last post Tyler spoke much about how we have recently entered a very new and unique season in our lives.  And in that, I believe he painted a bit of a picture of how we are transitioning into that season.  Now of course this new time didn’t start when we came to Africa, it really began on the cool, misty morning (it really was super foggy, I am not just adding that for dramatic effect) of October 19^th when our sweet Hayden was born.  From the moment our gorgeous boy took his first breath, everything changed for our family.  As many other parents will know, the transition from two to three is one of the most extraordinary events to ever take place in one’s life.  The combination I felt of overwhelming joy and unconditional love mixed with fear of failure and the unknown was like nothing else.  I knew our lives would never be the same, and while I was excited about this, I also had to prepare my heart for the things I needed to let go of…the things I needed to, in a sense, mourn the loss of.  But please don’t misunderstand when I use the word “mourn” as I can see how this could come off as extremely negative.  For what I have realized over the years as Tyler and I have made life choices which take us completely out of the lives we have grown up to know, is that when we make these choices, we often need to “release” or mourn what it was that we knew so well.  It happened as we adapted to a new life here in Africa and again when we Hayden was born.  

To be honest, the first couple months in Canada I didn’t really feel so challenged by this new life. Of course I was sleep deprived and needing to adapt to everything being about Hayden but it didn’t feel like it was that much of a transition.  I don’t know if it was because I was able to get out a lot, or because I had other girlfriends on maternity leave with me, or a combination of that, but in any case, it wasn’t until I came back home to Africa that I was truly forced to face just how different my life would be now that being “mom” was my first and only role.

And so came my time to learn what it really meant to embrace the season God had planned for me.  But before I could embrace it, I had to accept and release who I knew myself to be, in this family at Hands, before I became a mother.  And so ensues my story of the first few weeks of life here…it was a time that wasn’t easy.  It was painful. And as I was confronted once again with issues surrounding my sense of self-worth, I felt left out, lonely, and even insignificant because I was no longer directly involved in the work that I am so passionate about.  I was no longer apart of the regional support team I had come to love and be so comfortable with, and as a result felt very disconnected from everything and everybody.  It’s hard to explain, because even though I was surrounded by the family I love so dear, I felt isolated and sad.  I hated the thought of missing out on things and I would drive myself crazy thinking about everything I was not a part of anymore.  I even felt myself beginning to resent others for the fact that they got to be involved and I didn’t.  But at the same time, there was something else pressing on my heart.  Something that I ignored for a while because it felt better to wallow in my own self-pity than to listen to what God was trying to tell me.  Do you ever have that?  It’s like having a loose tooth that hurts when you wiggle it but you keep doing it because for some reason the pain is addictive and comforting.  That’s what I was doing.  Wiggling my “loose tooth” and feeling sad for myself…not a fun place to be.  Finally though, when I did relent and listen to what God had to say, I almost immediately felt FREEDOM.  It’s as if I had chains around my ankles and I had at last broke free of their bondage…and with that acceptance, came something beautiful.  With that acceptance, I learned that in order to live fully here, I had to EMBRACE the season that lay before me because if I didn’t, I would miss what God has for me in this time.  I would miss His blessings and even miss out being a blessing to others. 

So that’s what I did.  I embraced.  I actively chose to see all the amazing and positive things there were about being home with my baby.  I stopped thinking about all I was missing and asked God to reveal to me all that I had in front of me.  And with that I began to see the joy in my daily happenings, and it’s pretty amazing what I get to do now that I have the time.  I get to cook more, bake more, and spend more real, quality time with people.  I get to watch Hayden as he grows and learns so many new things.  I get to minister to, and be ministered by, many of the unique people I get to call my family here.  I get to help out in areas I never did before and get to do it with flexibility and without pressure.  And so although my days are not completely clear of brief bouts of FOMO (fear of missing out) and the occasional frustrated or sad moments, I largely feel at peace about this season I am in, and I thank God that He and Tyler have had grace for me in the time it took me to get to this final embrace.

-a