Zima Zima

I little while ago I got back from a trip to Zimbabwe.  It’s been over a year since I have been back there.  But every day I think of Zimbabwe.  I don’t think it’s a surprise that our son was given a middle name that comes from there, Tatenda, which means ‘Thank You’.  Although I was so excited to be back there my preparations were tainted by the fact that Alicia and Hayden couldn’t come.  It had been the plan for them to be a part of the trip, and it would have been their first time there, but it didn’t work out in the end with Visa issues for Hayden.

I always find it hard to reflect back on a trip like this with so many highs and lows.  Maybe I can just share a story from my time in Zim.

One day of home visits really rattled me and I can’t seem to shake it.  We visited a few homes that day, and they were all tough but the last home we visited broke my heart.  On the way out that day we passed by a grandfather who was sitting in his yard.  We tried to wave and call out to him but he gave us no response, he just looked at us.  After we visited a few other homes we stopped in to talk with this grandfather.  When we did we found out that he was almost deaf and almost blind.  We sat down to talk to him and as soon as we had finished greeting him he just started talking for half an hour with no pauses.  The person translating for me didn’t even have an opening to let me know what he was saying.  So I just sat there wondering what he was talking about and hoping he wasn’t going on for half an hour about the price of bread at the store or something like that.  When it hit me…. he just needed someone to talk to.  He was desperate to share his burdens with someone and to just have someone who cared enough to listen.  I felt so blessed that I could be part of that, but I also felt a deep pain for a man carrying so much without someone to share with. 

And when he finally took a breath the translator had a moment to catch me up.  The grandfather was sharing about his daughter who sat beside me, her name is Elizabeth. She has Downs Syndrome and is non-verbal and so we could not communicate with her.  I look at the sores on Elizabeth’s lips and the rest of her physical state and can’t help but think she is living with HIV and her family doesn’t know.  Her father shared her story about how someone in the community had raped her and the result of that was that Elizabeth had a child named Sara.  When the story was being translated for me the grandfather just looked at me through these old sad eyes and I felt crushed.  I can’t fathom why someone would take advantage of someone like Elizabeth who has no voice and no way to stand up for herself.  I can’t understand.

The grandparents in this family work in the garden for a living.  But you look at the grandfather and see a man who has severe back issues and walks so slowly that I actually can’t imagine how he is physically able to garden at all.  But the family depends on that.  Not only that but they look after their daughter who is disabled and their granddaughter Sara.  I see some of their situation but what really makes me sad is what this grandfather shares next.  He says that he lives in fear for his family, because he cannot protect Elizabeth and Sara.  He realizes how easy it is for someone to continue praying on his daughter.  It all makes me think about Sara and what she has been witness to and if the kids at school tease her about her family.  I met Sara and I saw a shy girl of about 11 years old with such hesitation, a lack of trust and fear in all that she does.

But in the area where this family lives the CBO (Community Based Organization) has just expanded.  Which means Sara is being visited by a Care Worker for the first time and is receiving support from the CBO.  I watch the Care Workers play with Sara at the Care Point and I see how free she looks.  She loses herself in the games she plays and I feel so much joy for those moments in her life where she is only worried about whether she gets tagged by the person who is “it”.  And you can see for a moment that she is far from the troubles that await her at home.

I see hope in the grandfather sharing his story and having people to unburden himself with.  He even asks when the Care Workers will come back to visit.  And I have such hope as I watch the Care Workers with Sara.  There is so much pain, anxiety and fear in this situation, but so much hope for tomorrow and such indescribable glimpses of joy.

I left Zimbabwe with hope, but I still cry for Sara and her family because the world is not fair.

~T

Fear

What command appears in the Bible more than any other command?

‘Don’t be afraid’, ‘Fear not’.

N.T. Wright talks about this commandment in his book Following Jesus:

“This surprising command bursts in upon a world in which we eat, sleep, and breathe fear.  We emerge from the warmth of the womb into the cold of the cosmos, and we’re afraid of being alone, of being unloved, of being abandoned.  We mix with other children, other teenagers, other young adults, and we’re afraid of looking stupid, of being left behind in some race that we all seem to be automatically entered for.  We contemplate jobs, and we’re afraid both that we mightn’t get the one we really want and that if we get it we mightn’t be able to do it properly; and that double fear lasts for many people all through their lives.  We contemplate marriage, and we’re afraid both that we might never find the right person and that if we do marry it may turn out to be a disaster.  We consider a career move, and are afraid both of stepping off the ladder and of missing the golden opportunity.  We look ahead to retirement, and are afraid both of growing older and more feeble and of dying suddenly.”

He goes on to say:

“We don’t like fear, but it’s the air we breathe.”

Fear is what holds us back from our potential.  When we want to strive for something but we are afraid of failing, afraid of leaving the security of what we know. 

We are afraid that in the end we will be left with nothing.

Fear strangulates our voice.  Like kids in the school yard watching a bully pick on another kid.  But we just watch.  We are too afraid the bully will turn on us and we will be the object of his wrath.

Fear stops us from standing up for people, from loving others as we should, from walking in the path God has for us and it prevents us from fully experiencing our relationship with Christ.

Growing up I was diagnosed with having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD.  Mine wasn't the kind where you are endlessly washing your hands because you feel like there are germs everywhere. But mine was more a bunch of arbitrary rituals governed by this forever present, nagging thought that if I didn't do the rituals my life would actually fall apart.  Like if I didn't put my shoes in a certain place at home that it would somehow cause someone in my family to die.  My life was controlled by fear, and although I don’t really suffer from it anymore I know that I have carried some of that pattern of fear forward with me.  When I read that passage by N.T. Wright, I thought about how many things in my life I was afraid for, my work, my relationships, my marriage, my family, my future….

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18

Perfect love casts out fear.  What is a more perfect example of love than what Jesus did for us on the cross, selfless sacrifice?  Free of anger for those who persecuted him.  He said, “Forgive them Father, they know not what they do”. It’s what love is supposed to be.  There is nothing cheap about it.  And if Jesus was willing to do all that for the sake of our relationship with our Father, then there is no room for doubt of His love. 

Love is the antidote to fear, and when love is perfected it has no fear.  And when we have found that, we need only to learn how to walk in it.

We are the disciples in the boat next to Jesus as he sleeps.  When the storm rolls in and we panic with fear.  We haven’t forgotten that Jesus is with us, but we have forgotten all that He is capable of.

We do not have to be hostage to our fear, but can walk in confidence that His love guides our every step.  We can lay our worries at the feet of our Father, He is in control.  At times we are still trying to steer the ship, because we forget.  

Let’s think of those things that we fear and want to let go of.  And we can then think of how the resurrection has set us free.  We have been saved by love, there is nothing to fear. 

Family Update

It is amazing how fast time flies by.  With every passing year the phrase: "time goes faster the older you are," becomes more and more true.  We even missed posting in May because the days passed us in a blur.  And to think now we are at the end of June…already!  It’s even harder to believe that it has been more than 5 years since we began our journey deep into the heart of a continent that has gripped us and captured our hearts.  And now to see that our son has lived longer here than in Canada is...well to me, is incredible. I used to dream of this as a young girl.  Waking up to the African sun, raising my children surrounded by different languages, cultures and ways of life. Not that I know, or think that this is forever, but I feel very blessed that for at least a season Hayden gets to live in a place filled with such diversity and simplicity. 

And so, as we stand half way through 2014, I thought what better time than to write a bit about how things are going for us as a family.  Let’s start with Hayden…

Hayden is now just over 8 months old and is such a busy little boy.  He is eating, crawling (he hasn't yet made it to his knees, but he is the master of the army crawl and moves like crazy across our slippery tile floors), putting everything in his mouth and jabbering away most of the day.  And while he sometimes fights his naps during the day (I think he may be like his mama and hates to miss out on the fun!) we are blessed that he sleeps very well at night.  He has 2 teeth so far (the bottom ones) and loves to chomp on carrots and apples…even when he chokes on a piece he has bitten off, he still goes back for more. 

Each day we see more of his personality developing.  Although he is still the same joyful, sweet boy he was the day he was born, having a smile for everyone, he also has developed his own stubbornness and can throw his share of temper tantrums when things don’t go his way or something is taken from him.  He is determined and loves to bang things around, making all sorts of noises and leaving a path of destruction in his wake.  We were given a walker thing (I believe they are outlawed in Canada which is a shame because they are brilliant) and Hayden has such a ball in it.  He motors around with such independence and loves finding things to pull off the shelves. He also has become very comfortable with the community of people that we live with.  There is never a shortage of people willing to play with him, carry him on their backs and take him on adventures.  I feel so blessed to have so much support and help.

That brings things to me.  In the last few months I have taken on more “work” responsibilities which has led me into the delicate balancing act of managing my work load while caring for Hayden and keeping up the house.  Some days this has been easy while others have been more difficult. Currently I am on a small team who supports Nigeria as they manage the projects that they have running on the ground in 5 communities around Lagos and Ibadan.  And while I love it, it can be tough going.  The distance from us to Nigeria is far and the cultural differences just add to the difficulties that come with working with a country that stands alone, far from Hands at Work leaders and support.  Having a strong relationship with our local office there is key, but again this can be hard to maintain when you can’t physically be together to work through the challenges and celebrate the successes.  In any case, this role certainly has its emotional days, but overall I feel honoured to be involved in supporting work which helps to bring care and love to some of the most vulnerable and forgotten children in Africa.  In addition to this, I have been asked to step in and help with the hospitality here at the Village in South Africa.  I am working with two local ladies, Agnes and Zodwa, to prepare and cater for all the teams and visitors who keep this place very busy between the months of June and October. I am trying to not get too involved with the cooking, but instead am trying to build confidence and independence in Agnes to do it herself.  I just help manage the calendar and do the shopping for all the meals that need to be prepared.  I admit this is not my most favourite role but there was a need so I stepped in to help. 

As for Tyler, he continues to do project support for Zimbabwe (doing the same thing that I do for Nigeria) and just loves it.  He has such a good relationship with Farai (our local leader there) and his team, and is eager to return to Zimbabwe to see them.  Actually, there is a trip planned for us to go as a family (finally!!) at the end of July to prepare and host a team that is coming from Canada.  The team is a group from Toronto who are supporting a community in Zimbabwe called Pimai, and have decided to come and see for themselves the work that is happening on the ground…but unfortunately, us going is on hold until Hayden’s South African Visa is approved.  We have been waiting 3 months for his visa to come in, but TIA, it has been delayed.  We still have just under a month before we need to leave so are just praying that it will come in before that. 

But what really keeps Tyler VERY busy (especially in the last couple weeks) is planning and coordinating all the teams and visitors that come to Hands at Work (this year it is over 30 teams).  He has been doing this for 3 years now, but this year he has had the extra challenge of not only coordinating everything but also doing all the detailed planning for them.  This is an enormous amount of work and how Tyler deals with the pressure, I just don’t know. I really take my hat off to him as he too has had to learn how to balance the workload with time with family.  How grateful I am to have a husband who can care for his family in the midst of such busyness!

Aside from work, Tyler and I have also had a couple opportunities to work together in a way we never really have.  Fist we were asked to lead a study on Romans 12 here at Hands. Over 4 weeks we met with a small group and explored in depth a few passages from this very challenging, but rich chapter from the Bible.  The experience of preparing together was just as remarkable as the time we had as a group discussing the scriptures.  I really feel it took us to another level in our faith…and it no doubt prepared us for when we were asked by our church to give the sermon a month later.  Again, we were so blessed by the moments that we had together praying about, and working on, what we were going to share…so much that we look forward to the chance of doing it again.

Lastly, there is Phumla.  A beautiful young lady we feel privileged to call our daughter.  She just turned 22 and is nearly finished her Auxiliary nursing (similar to an LPN) degree at ASM college.  She has just completed her second month of practical work at the hospital and during this time has stayed with us.  It has been amazing to be able to just “live” normal life with her…she has really opened up this year and become a real part of the family.  She is brilliant with Hayden and has even come out of her shell to get to know some of our family around Hands.  Our prayer is that she will continue to work hard and push against the odds…that she will, unlike most of her peers, find a job and eventually a husband, who will love her for who she is and honour her the way she deserves.  And most importantly, that she can fully accept in her heart how deep infinite God’s love is for her!

So that’s an update on us…hope it gives a bit of a picture of what life is like for our family here in South Africa.

Captivated by the Gaze of Christ

“Faith means to find, hold to, and cast my anchor on the foundation (the living, dying, and rising of the Lord Jesus Christ) and so to be held by it.  Faith means to base life on a foundation outside myself, on an eternal and holy foundation, on Christ.  Faith means to be captivated by the gaze of Jesus Christ; one sees nothing but him.  Faith means to be torn out of imprisonment in one’s own ego, liberated by Jesus Christ.” – D. Bonhoffer

Recently I was asked to share about Faith during a service at our church.  For some time I wrestled with what to say.  What did I know about true faith?  I felt inadequate to speak to a church about something that I was, and am, still growing in.  Not knowing where to begin, I sought advice from my wise husband who led me to Hebrews 11:1-2.  Here Paul defines faith as “the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen [for] it gives us the assurance about things we cannot see”.   This really made me think about how much of my life I have lived “comfortable” with not much need for real true faith.  Everything I ever needed was given to me – I had control over my life completely and so what use did I have for God?  But it has only been in recent years that I have come to see that the foundation I had built was one based on self…a self whose worth was dependent on other’s opinions about me, whose brokenness hurt those I loved most around me and whose insecurities birthed anger, intolerance, judgement and jealousy.  And it was through living in community here in Africa, that I came face to face with my limitations, weaknesses and the dark places in my heart.  But it was also through this same community that I am learning to humbly serve and love those around me.  I am learning what it means to find healing within the embrace of others who desire the same thing.  I am learning to commit myself to my Father’s plan and trust him in it.  I am learning that I need to have a life which, as Bonhoffer explains, is based on a foundation OUTSIDE myself, on the unshakable love of Christ.  And lastly, I am learning what it means to have genuine, true, active faith…and I am indebted to many of our African leaders for teaching me this over the past five years.

One woman in particular, Towela, has taught me what is means to live out what James speaks about in chapter 2:14-17.  Her life demonstrates that deep faith must produce good deeds for it to be complete.  Not only does the choice she has made to dedicate her life to hundreds of children by serving with Hands at Work in Zambia demonstrate such faithful servanthood, the choices she makes in her family life reflect this as well.  Living in a tiny two bedroom house with her husband and 4 children, Towela never thought twice when they decided to take in Rose, a girl who was neglected, abused, taken advantage of and is suffering in many other ways, as their own.  Never once did she weigh their expenses against their limited income when her sister and other family members have arrived on her doorstep needing a place to live.  Never once did she say “no, we don’t have room for you.”  For when she has come across the hungry, she feeds them; the thirsty, she gives them drink; the stranger, a roof over their heads and the naked, clothing to wear.  She cares for the sick and visits those who are weary and have been cast out.  With no assurance of money to do these things, Towela daily acts in faith because she knows that Jesus would do the same for her.  She acts from her heart, with TRUST that as she reaches out to care for others God will care for her. 

For me, Towela’s life vividly illustrates the calling that each of us who follow Christ are held to – to humbly serve the poor, the distressed, the widows and the dying (James 1:27).  In Romans 10:15, it says “How beautiful are the feet of messengers who bring good news” – And this is the reason Towela’s dusty, calloused and worn feet are beautiful…because each morning she CHOOSES to wake up and live out the Good News.  She, along with our other African leaders: James, Sukai, Audrey, Farai, Florence, Peter, Levi, Blessings, Mbuzi, Trina, Roy and Erick, are carrying out the vision to demonstrate with words and actions, the full gospel of Jesus. 

They are each walking alongside hundreds of Care Workers across Africa, sharing with them the deep love of Christ…making very real the truth that Jesus has been “sent to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed.” That he has been sent “to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord’s favor has come.” And that “to all who mourn, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair [and] in their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.  They will rebuild the ancient ruins, repairing cities destroyed long ago” (Isaiah 61:1b-4a). It is through their own brokenness that these leaders are choosing to help carry the burdens that our Care Workers carry, and are thus becoming apart of God’s plan for healing and transformation in their lives. 

And so it is through all of this that faith is built.  As Towela serves her people, her faith is strengthened; as the Care Workers learn more about Jesus, their faith is strengthened (for “faith comes from hearing, that is, the good News of Christ” - Romans 10:17); and as I bear witness to these lives dedicated to love, my faith is strengthened.  It is through people like Towela, that I have begun to understand what it really means to love.  Not because I think that she has it all figured out, or that she is perfect…But because I know that she can live this life because she has embraced her imperfections and bore her wounds.  Because she has acknowledged her weaknesses and therefore must depend on God for her strength.  It is because she is completely convinced that “nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” (Romans 8:38).
 - a

“If You Don’t Stand for Something, You Will Fall for Anything”

It has been probably close to a year since I’ve been to Swaziland, but there was a period of almost 2 years where I was going there close to every month.  This time I went to host a team of people from Family Church in the UK.  Some of them had been to Swaziland before but for some it was their first time.  The community that we support is in a place called Kaphunga (pronounced Ga-poong-aa).  It is a very rural setting and a very traditional place, almost like taking a step back in time.  Many mud huts and grass thatched roofs.  When we stay there, it means using out-house type toilets and bucket baths.  Kaphunga holds a special place in my heart.  The people are amazing and always make me feel loved and welcomed.   I have had opportunities to really dig in with the volunteer Care Workers  there; from hearing their heart for their community, to challenging them on sensitive issues.  I feel like I’ve developed a special bond with them.  Even though it’s only been a couple years, it feels like we have walked a road together. 

So when I bring a team with me, it means I get lots of time to walk with the Care Workers and visit the families that they visit.  The Care Workers are mostly Gogo’s (Grandmothers), but they are the toughest grannies you have ever seen in your life.  Just a small example is the way they carry heavy buckets of water on their head over steep and long muddy paths; they would put most of us to shame.  It’s very humbling.  The challenges that the Care Workers find in the homes that they visit are unbelievable.  When we get to the family’s homes, we sit and talk with them and they share their stories with us.  Their stories always seem to have a common element, that the family can barely survive with the food they have.  First I should say that for the most part there are no mothers or fathers in these homes, whether they have passed away or just left their children.  That has left all these Gogos to care for the children.  Most Gogos get a pension from the government but it amounts to only about $20 USD a month.  For a family of 5 or so, that doesn’t cut it.  Often these families have to beg and plead with neighbours for food. But when everyone is struggling it’s tough and you are really at the mercy of people’s generosity.  I saw some tough homes and heartbreaking situations this time...small children with HIV who continue to go to the clinic and can’t seem to get better, families with no food, women praying their husbands will return after months of not knowing where they are and Gogos so sick that they are left to die on the floor of their huts.  It is a tough place where the most basic of needs are not guaranteed.  But we walk alongside them in their amazing journeys and encourage them in this work.  It must be incredibly tough for them to keep on visiting these heartbreaking situations and not lose hope. 

Everything is such a big distance in Kaphunga that you have to take a car for the really long visits.  But the car can only go so far as the roads have washed away with such heavy rain falls this year.  And then we walk through the bush.  On one home visit we arrived to find a Gogo that was extremely sick.  She had been down for two weeks and the one time she did get up she fell down and had not moved since.  When we arrived she looked so relieved and happy.   But I just kept thinking, what are we going to do here?  We are in the middle of the bush with this granny who can’t walk.  She had puss coming out of her ears and she was now coughing up puss as well.  She obviously had a bad infection and it was spreading, not to mention that she is HIV positive.  She asked, “How did you know that I was sick and you should come here?”.  I put my arm around her Care Worker, Jabulile, and said, “Jabulile told us and she brought us here.”  I’m sure that in that moment she couldn’t have been more grateful to Jabulile and I could see it in her face.  But we still didn’t know what to do.  I asked if we could make a plan.  I was skeptical because the car was so far away on these bad roads, but I knew we had to do something. Walking away meant this Gogo would probably die before she got help.  Her grandson, Themba,  looked at us in distress, but they obviously didn’t know what to do either.  It seemed to me that they were just going to wait until she died or got better.  Without intervention she would have wasted away on that dirt floor.  So I asked the Care Worker if we could make a plan.  She said yes, but it was clear that they didn’t know what we could do.  I asked if they had a wheelbarrow and they did.  So the plan started to come together.  We got the wheelbarrow, while someone from the team went to fetch the car and bring it a little ways closer.  We got Gogo up and eased her into the wheelbarrow.  From there the grandson brought her through the bush to the point where the car had reached.  When the Gogo had to pee she asked to get out of the wheelbarrow and she sat on all fours peeing.  Somewhere inside I felt broken knowing that this once able-bodied, proud woman, was reduced to peeing in front of a group of people while she sat on the floor.  But it didn’t matter, what mattered was we were moving.  We had some struggles with the car because of the condition of the roads, but eventually got situated.  We lifted the Gogo into the car and brought her to the clinic.  Here she was given medication and we even got her some food because the family had none.  It was a blessing to us to be able to help in a tangible way, as often the situations you encounter don’t require an emergency response but more ongoing support.  The team and I were so blessed by the experience.  The Gogo and her grandson had a kind of tough demeanour when we started.  By the time we walked her back home, prayed with her and said goodbye I could see relief and a real softening in their hearts.  It was a special moment that I will not soon forget. 

I am forever encouraged by the Care Workers who go above and beyond themselves every day and they don’t have a car to do it with.  This home visit reminds me of the ways that myself and family back in Canada are blessed.  If we are sick then we just drive to the clinic.  If we need food then we just go to the store.  We don’t sit on our mud floors waiting to die or for God to show up because we have all that we need.  We struggle to see the need for God in our lives.  Maybe we have all that we need physically, but we are lost spiritually and emotionally.  We do need God but it’s not obvious to us and so we attempt to get by on our own strength. 

I have found purpose in my journey and a drive that gives me hope.  I feel like I’ve moved closer to Joy than I ever have before and continue to seek more.  My time in Swaziland only serves to confirm what I’m doing here.  Though there is often much heartache, on a daily basis I often see overwhelming generosity that defies logic...radical giving that is not just out of ones excess.  People who lay down their own lives to save the lives of those in need.  What could be more beautiful or rewarding?  There has to be something more than just being the manager of my department at work, a big house and a new car.  Not that ‘things’ are bad, but what does each of us stand for.  It has to be more than the things that we can buy.  How will we ever be fulfilled in that way? The answer is we can’t, and so we will always want to buy the next new thing.  We will never fill that hole.  For me becoming a Christian hasn’t meant that I’m now perfect or look at others in judgement.  But instead it simply means that I have recognized my own weaknesses and shortcomings.  I strive to do better knowing that through God’s love I am forgiven my faults.  I am imperfect in my walk, but I continue to seek God’s heart.  So what do you stand for?

-t

em•brace



To embrace: transitive verb meaning to take up especially readily or gladly.

I think that as Tyler and I have become more immersed in the culture of the community that we live in here, we have come to understand that we are constantly moving in and out of different “seasons”.  And in each of these seasons, if we allow Him, God reveals something new and fresh to us.  Sometimes it involves where we are in our marriage, sometimes our vocation and other times our emotional or spiritual journeys….but no matter what area God is working on, we have found that we first need to come face to face with our own personal demons (for lack of better words) before new life can break through.

In the last post Tyler spoke much about how we have recently entered a very new and unique season in our lives.  And in that, I believe he painted a bit of a picture of how we are transitioning into that season.  Now of course this new time didn’t start when we came to Africa, it really began on the cool, misty morning (it really was super foggy, I am not just adding that for dramatic effect) of October 19^th when our sweet Hayden was born.  From the moment our gorgeous boy took his first breath, everything changed for our family.  As many other parents will know, the transition from two to three is one of the most extraordinary events to ever take place in one’s life.  The combination I felt of overwhelming joy and unconditional love mixed with fear of failure and the unknown was like nothing else.  I knew our lives would never be the same, and while I was excited about this, I also had to prepare my heart for the things I needed to let go of…the things I needed to, in a sense, mourn the loss of.  But please don’t misunderstand when I use the word “mourn” as I can see how this could come off as extremely negative.  For what I have realized over the years as Tyler and I have made life choices which take us completely out of the lives we have grown up to know, is that when we make these choices, we often need to “release” or mourn what it was that we knew so well.  It happened as we adapted to a new life here in Africa and again when we Hayden was born.  

To be honest, the first couple months in Canada I didn’t really feel so challenged by this new life. Of course I was sleep deprived and needing to adapt to everything being about Hayden but it didn’t feel like it was that much of a transition.  I don’t know if it was because I was able to get out a lot, or because I had other girlfriends on maternity leave with me, or a combination of that, but in any case, it wasn’t until I came back home to Africa that I was truly forced to face just how different my life would be now that being “mom” was my first and only role.

And so came my time to learn what it really meant to embrace the season God had planned for me.  But before I could embrace it, I had to accept and release who I knew myself to be, in this family at Hands, before I became a mother.  And so ensues my story of the first few weeks of life here…it was a time that wasn’t easy.  It was painful. And as I was confronted once again with issues surrounding my sense of self-worth, I felt left out, lonely, and even insignificant because I was no longer directly involved in the work that I am so passionate about.  I was no longer apart of the regional support team I had come to love and be so comfortable with, and as a result felt very disconnected from everything and everybody.  It’s hard to explain, because even though I was surrounded by the family I love so dear, I felt isolated and sad.  I hated the thought of missing out on things and I would drive myself crazy thinking about everything I was not a part of anymore.  I even felt myself beginning to resent others for the fact that they got to be involved and I didn’t.  But at the same time, there was something else pressing on my heart.  Something that I ignored for a while because it felt better to wallow in my own self-pity than to listen to what God was trying to tell me.  Do you ever have that?  It’s like having a loose tooth that hurts when you wiggle it but you keep doing it because for some reason the pain is addictive and comforting.  That’s what I was doing.  Wiggling my “loose tooth” and feeling sad for myself…not a fun place to be.  Finally though, when I did relent and listen to what God had to say, I almost immediately felt FREEDOM.  It’s as if I had chains around my ankles and I had at last broke free of their bondage…and with that acceptance, came something beautiful.  With that acceptance, I learned that in order to live fully here, I had to EMBRACE the season that lay before me because if I didn’t, I would miss what God has for me in this time.  I would miss His blessings and even miss out being a blessing to others. 

So that’s what I did.  I embraced.  I actively chose to see all the amazing and positive things there were about being home with my baby.  I stopped thinking about all I was missing and asked God to reveal to me all that I had in front of me.  And with that I began to see the joy in my daily happenings, and it’s pretty amazing what I get to do now that I have the time.  I get to cook more, bake more, and spend more real, quality time with people.  I get to watch Hayden as he grows and learns so many new things.  I get to minister to, and be ministered by, many of the unique people I get to call my family here.  I get to help out in areas I never did before and get to do it with flexibility and without pressure.  And so although my days are not completely clear of brief bouts of FOMO (fear of missing out) and the occasional frustrated or sad moments, I largely feel at peace about this season I am in, and I thank God that He and Tyler have had grace for me in the time it took me to get to this final embrace.

-a

a new season

Being back in Canada for 7 months was really an incredible time for us.  Over the years it feels like we’ve missed so many, birthdays, weddings, births, deaths, etc. So, being back for an extended period has been really important for us.   In that time we really reconnected with family and friends.  Being at home to experience those good times and seeing people through the hard things was really special. And having Hayden be born back in Canada surrounded by the family and friends that we love was certainly a huge blessing and a time we will treasure forever. 

But every season has it's end, so on January 6th, we started our journey back to  South Africa. It was exhausting as usual, but Hayden was amazing.  He slept the majority of the two flights and was happy as a clam when he wasn't sleeping. We had dreaded that journey since Hayden was born, so it was such a relief to see how good he did.  

 

After 30+ hours of travelling, we arrived back  home to our family here in White River and felt so welcome as always...everyone was so excited to meet the little  guy!  It  really has been nice to be back, even during the times that questions stir around my head about the choices we have made for our new baby. It was so hard to take him away from our family and friends that love him so much. But  through it all we trust that for this season we are in the right place.  

 

 

I felt like this trip back was the hardest for me.  It just took a long time to get over the jet lag.  But at least Hayden has done well in his short time back here.  His first few days back he even slept right through the night, which he had never done before....so his night as sorted out but the temperature difference is another story.  It's between 30-40 degrees plus humidity, most days so it is taking him time to adjust to the heat.  The last few days have been cooler and it seems like Hayden has been enjoying that.  In addition to all the other adjustments Hayden is making (new smells, surrounding, time changes) we think that he is starting to teethe! There’s lots of drool and he is biting just about anything that comes near his mouth.  Scary to think seeing as he is only just over 3 months. But at the same time his neck is starting to get really strong ...probably due to  being handed off to a million people.  Overall he continues to be a happy and content little boy who gives us much joy and many smiles every day.  

As for us, in regards to work, being back has been quiet.  I think Hands at Work is being intentional in giving us time to adjust to life in Africa with a  new baby. It been great though because we have had time to reunite with friends and settle into life.  One highlight for us in particular has been seeing Phumla again.  As most of you know (we told her story in a post last year), Phumla is a girl we met in 2009 when we first came to Africa and have since become very close with her.  After she graduated we have been helping her to get through nursing school to become an auxiliary nurse, which I imagine is like an LPN.  It is rare to see kids from the community do so well, given their limited support at home, limited funds and sub-par educations system.  But Phumla has done well and we are so proud of her.  She calls us Mom and Dad, which is very special for us.  It means a lot to have someone so impacted by you that they consider you a parent.  We love her and pray for her often. She comes from a story that when I think about it, it breaks my heart.  But she is doing so well and loves her new baby brother. 

So this is life, so far, for us back in South Africa.  Missing people, being reunited with others and adjusting.  We want to be better this year at updating people on how we are doing.  So if it’s been a long time and you haven’t heard anything, you better raise a flag.  Let us know you need an update.  Much love.

- Tyler (plus Alicia and Hayden)